Whoever, However, Wherever, Witchever, and Why
by The Utterly Fabulous Z
Summary: If you had been knocked into a frozen lake by a speeding truck, made a wish, and woke up who-knows-how-much-later in the world of your favorite anime, what would you do? Ryan has and she's going to do anything in her very-magical power to change things for the better, albeit with a lot of cursing people out and making things explode on the way. R&R would you? Rated T because Ryan.
1. INCOHERENT SCREAMING

**HI I'M NOT DEAD. OR DEAN.**

 **So, I've been busy with birthdays and finals (DOCTOR HENDERSON I AM LOOKING AT YOU) and camp and 195 origami cranes and a birthday party and other stuff (LIKE WAITING FOR THIS BITES TO GET UPDATED BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YESTERDAY).**

 **I also decided to rewatch this series. Sooooooo, I DON'T OWN BLUE EXORCIST. I OWN MY OC WHATEVER THE FUDGE HER NAME IS BECAUSE I FORGOT AND FATHER RUSSELL.**

 **READ AND REVIEW OR I WILL FIND YOU AND INTERNET-STALK YOU.**

* * *

 ***INCOHERENT SCREAMING***

One fine day in the middle of the summer…

Okay, that's bull crap.

It was the middle of winter, I didn't have my coat, and I got hit by a fucking truck. That's how it went.

So, I died.

Lovely.

Fucking lovely.

More detail required? I assume so.

It was December 27th and I was walking home from school, trying to keep myself both warm and calm. One of the bitchy assholes at school ripped my coat when I was leaving, and I punched her in the face for it. Her nose cracked under my fist, and I was expelled for breaking it, but not after some of the jocks picked a fight with me. And, more broken bones, none of which were mine.

I'm probably going to get the lecture of my life.

I was sent to live at a church when I was little because I was a 'problem child' and none of the orphanages wanted me because I kept picking fights and 'claiming' to see things no one else saw.

I swear that sideways rainbow was from the pie I ate an hour earlier.

Don't trust the diner pie.

It's out to get you.

Tangent, sorry. Where was I? Oh right. Church.

So I, a freakishly strong five year-old, got sent to live with the man who would become my papa: Father Russell. He was tall, around 6'2, blue-eyed and towheaded as hell. He always wore these reflective sunglasses with neon green frames, calling them cool. And as a small, impressionable child, I believed him. From age ten up until I died, I thought they were the lamest thing ever.

Now, I want nothing more than to see them again.

So, walking home from school. The roads had partially iced over, so people were driving cautiously. Except for the asshat who was driving 35 miles over the normal speed limit.

Nope, he came plowing down the hill, spun out, and crashed into me; knocking me into fucking frozen lake.

The water froze me in a matter of minutes, depriving my limp body of much needed oxygen, leaching the very life out of my bones.

I did something I hadn't done since I was a child.

I made a wish.

As the last breath left my body, the watery scenery swallowed me up.


	2. CREATIVE SWEARING AND LOTS OF IT

**HEYO IT'S ME. THIS IS SIGNIFICANTLY LONGER THAN THE LAST ONE. I'VE ALREADY STARTED CHAPPIE THREE.**

 **YOU WANT THE DISCLAIMER? GO BACK TO CHAPTER ONE, YA FILTHY ANIMALS (I'm pretty sure you are lovely clean people, but I was on a roll.)**

* * *

 ***CREATIVE SWEARING AND LOTS OF IT***

I hear someone yelling at me in Japanese.

" _Hey! Are you alright?"_ Sounds like a guy. " _Come on, answer me!"_ Shaking.

Wait.

I can hear. I can feel.

I just **died**.

How the hell is this working?

And why the fuck is this guy speaking Japanese?

I can feel my sopping clothes sticking to my emaciated body, every inch of me freezing. My body did the only thing it could at this point; shiver violently. The guy, who I could only assume had shook me, lifts me up in a piggyback, and starts running.

The next thing I know, I'm surrounded by an unbearable warmth, too hot, burning even. But it's just me. I was so cold, and everything just feels really hot. One of my eyes cracks open, followed by the other one, and I see a guy around my age with glasses, brown hair, and bluish-greenish eyes, a few moles scattered across his face.

Unholy frozen Satan on a flying pig.

That's fucking Yukio Okumura.

"Oh SHIT!" I yell, shooting upright. Yukio looks at me and asks me something in Japanese.

" _Are you alright?"_ He wonders and I stare at him in shock.

My brain translates his question from 'daijoubu desu-ka?' or however it's spelled to 'are you alright?'. "No, I'm not okay! I was hit by a fucking truck into a fucking frozen lake!"

Yukio's eyes widen and he yells something while facing the open door. I groan, my body feeling less numb and more pain. "Stupid assbutt in that fucking truck, my entire body hurts." As the pain is settling in, someone enters the room. An older man with reddish glasses and a Father's attire. The paladin… Shiro Fujimoto.

My eyes widen and my chest tightens in panic. "Oh… shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT!" I yell, looking around for my backpack. "Bag, bag, where's my bag?!" I spy it on the end of the bed I found myself on. I start rifling through it, much to the confusion of both exorcists, and my hand latches onto a small bottle. "YES!" I yank the bottle out of my bag, holding it triumphantly in the air. I uncap the spray bottle and spray it all over myself, Father Fujimoto, and Yukio.

" _What on earth is that?"_ He asks and I blink, trying to figure out the meaning of his question.

"You'll thank me later?" I speak quietly. "Do either of you speak English by any chance?"

"I speak little, yes." Yukio pipes up in heavily-accented English.

"Good. This will be easier." I take a deep breath before shaking my head. "I think I'm going crazy."

Yukio and Father Fujimoto exchange a glance. "How so, if you do not mind me asking?"

A fresh wave of pain slams into me and I double over, clutching at my ribs and biting back a scream. "Sweet baby JESUS I AM GOING TO STRING THAT SONOVAMOTHERFUCKINGWHALEANUS FROM AN ELECTRIC FENCE BY HIS BALLS!" I roar, scaring the living daylights out of the two exorcists.

"ONCE I FIND THAT WHORESUCKINGNIPPLESHITTINGASSWAFFLE I AM GOING TO SIC THE WHOLE GODDAMN DEMON POPULATION ON HIM IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW!" I scream angrily, clutching my ribs in agony.

I manage to grab a Sharpie marker out of my backpack and hastily draw a healing sigil on my ribs, and the pain vanishes instantly, my ribs snapping back into place. Witchcraft for the win, fucktards. "Holy crap-on-a-stick, I did **not** expect that to _actually_ work." I mumble, and I finally look back to the exorcists. "Hi, my name's Ryan Conrad. I'm sixteen years old, and I have barely any fucking idea where I am." I introduce myself, silently berating myself for swearing in my introduction. I run a hand through my dyed hair and sigh. "I also can't speak Japanese worth shit. So, yeah."

The exorcists exchange a glance before the phone rang. Yukio leaves to go answer and he sounds pretty happy from the other room. My eyes widen in frightful anticipation; Shiro is going to die soon. "So," I look up to Shiro, who finally says something I could understand. "My son, Rin, found you on the side of the road; bleeding, half-conscious, and frozen." He wants to know what happened to me. I feel kind of morally obligated to tell him.

"I was walking home after getting expelled from school, everything was frozen over, and this dipshit in a truck comes speeding around the corner, skids, and knocks me into a frozen lake. I blacked out after that." I answer his unasked question. I take a shuddering deep breath. "This is going to sound _really_ crazy, but please, just listen. No matter what Rin says to you, he loves you no matter what, even if he says the most awful thing in the world, he doesn't really mean it." Something drips onto my cheek and I realize that I started crying.

Shiro blinks before wiping my tears away. "Hey, it's okay. What's wrong?"

I stifle a sob and my words get caught in my throat. "Something _bad_ is coming. _Really_ bad." I look directly into his eyes, which have widened in a conglomeration of emotion. "Rin's going to say something awful and something really _bad_ is going to happen and I have to stop it… but I don't know if I can."

"Hey, hey, it's going to be okay. My son Yukio, who you've just met, and I are exorcists, as well as the others in the monastery. We can handle anything that comes our way." The few tears that fell become more frequent, turning to wailing sobs. Like ugly crying.

Between my sobs and shuddering gasps for air, I manage to croak out the following sentence: "Even though you're the Paladin, you can't handle Satan!" Shiro freezes, looking into my eyes incredulously.

"Satan? There's no way Satan could attack us." He states disbelievingly.

I smack myself on the cheeks a few times before sobering up. "You don't believe me. Check the sword. Don't ask how I know about it, just trust me."

Shiro's eyes widen and he hurries down to his secret-sword-room-thingy before Yukio walks back in. Shiro hurriedly tells Yukio something in Japanese and Yukio nods, coming over and sitting next to me. "This is about what I fucking said, isn't it." I ask in a dull tone.

"Otou-san is worried. No large deal." Yukio replies in rather broken English. I look at him with disheartened purple eyes. Yes, my eyes are fucking purple. Yes, I've always had them. Fucking weird-ass genes. I don't question it, and neither should you, assmonkey.

"It's because I know things that I shouldn't possibly know about, like Kurikara's seal burning away." I take a deep breath before resolving to fix this. "I know how to stop what's coming, theoretically. I'm going to need a fuckton of salt, a shotgun, shotgun shells, syringes, holy water, an iron crowbar, a box of chalk, and a laptop. If you don't mind?" I request and Yukio nods slowly, getting up to retrieve the items.

One thought rings as clear as a bell in my mind.

 _I'm going to exorcise Satan. I can't let Shiro die._


	3. FUCK IT, HERE GOES EVERYTHING

**HEYO. QUICK UPDATE BECAUSE MARTIAL ARTS TEST.**

 **DISCLAIMER BACK IN CHAPTER ONE. GO EFFING LOOK FOR IT.**

 **SAD THINGS NEXT CHAPTER. WARNING.**

* * *

 ***FUCK IT, HERE GOES EVERYTHING***

A few minutes later, Yukio comes back with the items and I thank him in shaky Japanese. "I'm going to draw some symbols on the floor. Is that okay?" Yukio looks confused. Godsdamnit. I sigh in mild annoyance and head into the chapel, opening the laptop and googling devil's traps. I draw the standard one at the front door, so Astaroth won't be able to get in, and the big fancy one with the scorpion on the floor, so Satan won't be able to escape. I pull my phone out and open up Google Docs, and open the document with a list of exorcisms in it. "Well, fuck it, here goes everything." I mutter under my breath and start filling the shotgun shells with salt.

Yukio watches me in awe. ' _Kid must be thinking this is how Americans do things.'_ I muse and begin filling syringes with holy water. As I filled up the last syringe, I heard shouting from outside the church. "Well, moosenipple of a demon king, prepare to feel the fucking wrath of a fucking 16 year old American girl. Not to mention only basic exorcist knowledge and a fuckton of witchcraft, ya dipshit." I curse angrily to myself, feeling a familiar pulse of energy course through my veins. It's like what I feel when I do magic back home, but like it's on fucking steroids and thirteen Five-Hour-Energys. I'm shaking, to be honest. My heart is pounding in my ears and I feel like I can punch a hole in a brick wall.

Drywall, however, is a completely different story. Been there, done that. Several times.

The rumble soon follows. The sound of a gate crashing to the ground and getting running over by a backhoe sends chills down my spine. Fucking _chills_. Yukio is nowhere to be seen and I register the sound of the back door opening and two people rushing through. Shiro and Rin.

Shiro barks orders to the other exorcists in the monastery and the follow them, rushing around. I steel my nerves and aim the shotgun at the front door. The backhoe comes crashing through the front door and abruptly stops and the driver screams in angry Japanese. "ASTAROTH, YOU'RE MY BITCH!" I shout at the demon king.

"I am nobody's… bitch, as you say." Astaroth growls at me. I blink in shock.

"You fucking speak fucking English?! Of fucking course you do. Well guess what, you li'l shit? I'm a fucking witch. In the grand scheme of human-demon-witch, witch _beats_ demon. So, what'll it be: get kicked out of Reiji Shiratori the easy way," I tilt my head towards the exorcists, "or the _hard_ way." I prep my shotgun threateningly. "Concentrated rocksalt, shitface. Not to mention epidemic needles filled with holy water, and an iron crowbar." Astaroth's eyes glint with… is that fear? "Baby gonna cry? Wanna run back to daddy with your tail between your legs?" I mock, making pouty lips at the demon.

Astaroth roars before a swarm of ghouls enters the building, stepping around the devil's trap that the King of Rot was currently trapped in. "Hard way it is, Nutsack McGillicutty." I fire at the ghouls, causing them to disintegrate. "HE WHO HESITATES, DISINTEGRATES!" I yell triumphantly before turning my gun on Astaroth. "Hasta la pasta, bitch!" I shoot several rounds of salt, each exploding on impact with the demon.

"Damn you, exorcists!" He roars before escaping Shiratori's body. The boy slumps to the ground and Shiro barks an order to two of the exorcists. My eyes widen in fear.

One thought. _Go time. It's now or never._ _ **Fuck it, here goes everything.**_

Rin begins yelling at Shiro, and soon enough, Shiro slaps Rin. I race over and pull Shiro under the special Devil's trap. I back out of it, my phone in my hand. Shiro begins cackling and all of the lights explode, plunging the room into darkness. Blue flames. "Hello there, my son. You can call me Daddy." He speaks in both English and Japanese. "And who might you be?" He asks, turning to me.

"Exorcizamus te. Omnis immundus spiritus. Omnis satanica potestas." Satan grins.

"A latin exorcism, interesting. Not many exorcists have such good," he winces. "Pronunciation."

"Omnis incursio infernalis adversarii. Omnis legio. Omnis congregatio et secta diabolica." I continue, despite my fight-or-flight instincts telling me to run as far and as fast as I could. Satan growls inhumanly. "Ergo, draco maledicte. Ecclesiam tuam securi tibi. Facias libertate servire. Te rogamus. Audi nos."

Satan roars at me, causing me to flinch. "You really think that _that_ was going to work? I'm the King of All Demons, you pathetic mortal!" He snaps, bursting into flames. Blood starts to leak from Shiro's eyes. _I have to hurry._

I glance down at my phone and begin reading off another exorcism. "Vade retro Satana. Numquam suade mihi vana. Sunt mala quae libas. Ipse venena bibas. Step back Satan. Tempt me not with vain things. What you offer is evil. Drink the poison yourself." Satan falls to one knee.

"Quite a collection you've… got there." He remarks with venom in his tone. I hiss at him and begin reading a third, throwing salt at him.

"Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do thou, Oh Prince of the Heavenly Host, by God's power, thrust into hell Satan and all evil spirits who wander the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen." I recite, my eyes not leaving Satan for even a moment.

He begins to scream in demonic tongues, his flames burning wildly. One of the flames burns the edge of the devil's trap, and it breaks, freeing Satan. He snaps and flames surround me, burning me. I crumple to the ground, only one thought in my mind as my vision fades to black.

' _I've failed.'_


	4. GODDAMN PERVS AND FUCKING GUILT

**SURPRISE IT'S ME**

 **I HAVE SUMMER SCHOOL. EW. BUT IT'S BIO SO IT'S ALL GOOD.**

 **I ONLY OWN MY OC'S. IF I OWNED BLUE EXORCIST YUKIO WOULD ADMIT HIS FEELINGS FOR SHIEMI AND STOP BEING SUCH A SUICIDAL EMO TEEN.**

* * *

 ***GODDAMN PERVS AND FUCKING GUILT***

Hours later, I come to, finding Yukio standing over me with a worried expression on his face. I don't speak because if I open my mouth, I'll fucking cry like a fucking baby. Not that there's anything wrong with babies; I love 'em, it's just that they cry a fucking lot. "You are awake. That is good." He puts on a forced smile. I can tell it's forced because I used to use them everyday at school. I break eye contact with him and stare at the floor. Yukio clears his throat and I glance back up at him. "Burial tomorrow. Come… please."

That makes me feel guiltier. His dad was dead, because I couldn't save him. I had the tools. I had him in my grasp… but then he slipped straight through my fingertips like quicksilver. I clench my teeth and stand, thanking Yukio curtly before throwing my backpack on and walking out of the monastery.

I make my way through the streets, searching my pockets and bag for money. I have maybe 75 dollars on me, not counting the change in my bag. People give me weird stares and start whispering to themselves. I just stare at my shoes and keep walking. Some older guys approach me, drunk out of their minds. One of them, the one who appeared to be the leader of the group, drapes his arm over my shoulders and whispers something in my ear, his closeness making me tense up. "Leave me alone, _hentai_." I almost stammer, trying to get him away from me. I manage to push him off me and sprint through the crowd, dodging as many people as possible. I keep running as I hear him behind me, accidentally bumping into someone in my path. The person raises his voice at me, and I shrink my shoulders in towards my neck. "Sorry." I mumble dejectedly and look up to find a brown haired boy much taller than I, with a blond streak going straight up the middle of his head. He takes in my ragged clothing (the kids at my old school enjoyed tormenting me like that) and his eyes widen at the burns that mar my skin. The wind picks up, assaulting my exposed body with frigid air. He looks towards two other guys and he calls them over, one with pink hair, and the other with glasses. _Bon, Shima, and Koneko._ My mind registers who they are, but I'm in mild shock and too depressed to fangirl.

"Are you okay?" Bon asks and I stare up at him, trying not to cry. I turn my gaze back to the ground before uttering one simple, yet despair-filled, sentence.

"I couldn't save him."

A shadow overcomes Bon's face. He addresses Shima and Koneko and they nod in agreement. The teenager takes off his jacket and drapes it over my shoulders. "You wear it." He insists before I could protest. "My name is Ryūji, this is Konekomaru and Shima." Konekomaru waves and Shima greets me with a 'yo'.

"Ryan Conrad." I mumble and look behind me out of paranoia. Bon catches my gaze and the guy who was following me freezes once Bon glares at him. He growls something along the lines of 'get lost' and the guy runs. "Thanks, er, arigato."

"Don't mention it. Come on, you can get cleaned up at our place." Bon offers and I shake my head.

"Thanks for the offer, but I have a…" my voice trails off and I bite my tongue to keep from crying. "A funeral to attend tomorrow." Shima and Koneko share a look from behind Bon.

"Even more reason to get cleaned up. You're going to a funeral dressed in that?" Bon asks and I look away in shame.

"I've got a dress in my backpack…" Not a total lie. School uniform. The Kyoto trio blinks.

"Dress?" Bon asks, realization sweeping over his face. "Wait… you're telling me you're a _girl?!_ "

"Yeah, why else would my hair look like this?" I yank on my hair to prove my point. "On a different note, you speak English very well."

"Been speaking it since middle school. Useful for…" Bon cuts himself off.

"I know all about demons and exorcists. It's useful for Arias, right?" I reassure him that it's alright to talk about that stuff. "Well, Ryūji, Shima, Konekomaru, it was nice meeting you, but I have to… go…" my voice trails off. It suddenly occurs to me that I have nowhere to go. "I might just have to take you up on that offer." Bon wraps his arm around me and says something to the other two boys in Japanese. The two nod, and Shima looks thrilled in a pervy teenager way. "Oi, Shima. _Iie hentai_ or however you say 'don't be a perv, you li'l shit' in Japanese." I tell off the pinket… pinkette? Let's just fucking go with it.

The three walk me to the train and purchase tickets. "So, Ryan, where are you from?" Bon asks me.

"I'm from Vermont, a small town called Arlington." I reply. "Really quiet place, takes ten minutes to get to town by car."

We continue making small talk on the way, and Konekomaru and Shima try their hand at conversation in very broken English. We continue talking until Shima and Konekomaru decide to hit the hay for the night. Bon and I are sitting in the floor.

"Hey, Ryūji? Can I tell you something?" My question catches his attention.

"Yeah, shoot." He replies. I look over to him.

"Someone died because of me today. Right in front of me. I couldn't save him, I couldn't save his son from his fate, or his home, or keep it from happening. I knew it was going to happen, and I _couldn't stop it because I'm too weak._ One more minute, and I could have saved him. The guilt is crushing me, it's eating away at me, and it _hurts_. It really _hurts_. It doesn't go _away_." My chest tightens and my throat closed slightly. "I don't know what to do, I'm going to see his two sons tomorrow at the funeral, and I can't face them…" Tears drip down my cheeks and I look to the floor, shaking.

Bon's arm reaches around my back and he places his hand on my shoulder, pulling me towards him. "Then don't. But if you want to get stronger, overcome this. Learn from it and never let it happen again. You've got two good feet, stand up and start walking." He comforts, albeit similar to Kyo Sohma. "I take it you like anime?"

"Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood." I give a half-assed smile through my tears. "Yeah. Anime helps me escape reality safely." I wipe my tears away. Something I read a while ago pops into my head. "F. E. A. R. Forget everything and run, or face everything and rise." I mumble, psyching myself up. "Hey, Ryūji?"

Bon looks down at me.

"Thanks."


	5. THE CHAPTER TITLE IS TOO FUCKING LONG

**YO I'M BACK. MEMPHIS (ONE OF MY MUSES) IS FINALLY GETTING SHIZ DONE BECAUSE HER INSANITY LIKES THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON.**

 **DISCLAIMER? GO STRAIGHT TO CHAPTER ONE AND DO NOT COLLECT $200.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER FOR FRIGGIN MESSED UP THOUGHTS.**

 **READ THE WARNING?**

 **GOOD. FAINT HEARTED FOLKS, GET THE FACK OUT NOW.**

 **EVERYONE ELSE, ON WITH THE SHOW.**

* * *

 ***WHO PUT THIS DIPSHIT IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING?!***

The next day, I take the train back to the monastery, and walk to the cemetery by myself, the rain pelting me and making me ticked off. The funeral is small, Yukio says a few words, and everyone disperses; leaving Rin at the gravestone, and I stand several feet away, paying my respects and letting the downpour mask my tears. Soon after, my anger builds and the self-hatred comes back with a vengeance. You know how everyone has that little voice or voices in their head, like their conscience and they're like a little fucking angel? Mine are fucking demons who don't give a flying fuck about my mile high list of 'shit that's wrong with me already'.

' _ **Your fault.'**_ One voice whispers, causing me to flinch.

' _ **It should have been you.'**_ I clench my fist. ' _No. It shouldn't have been either of us.'_

' _ **You killed him.'**_ I pull my arms tight to my body. ' _No. I didn't. He sacrificed himself.'_

' _ **He's dead because of you.'**_ I grind my teeth. ' _No he's not.'_

' _ **It should have been you.'**_ I close my eyes tightly. ' _No. It should have been Satan.'_

' _ **If you weren't so inadequate, he would still be alive.'**_ My chest constricts. ' _I needed a little more time!'_

' _ **If you didn't make that wish, he'd still be alive right now.'**_ I can't breathe. ' _That's not true!'_

' _ **Rin hates you. Yukio hates you.'**_ My heart pounds in my ears. ' _Stop it! It's all lies!'_

' _ **Hell, even**_ **you** _**hate you.'**_ Spectral cackling, laughing at my torment. ' _No I don't. Stop… please…'_

' _ **You should just let them torture you.'**_ I feel hot, rank breath on the back of my neck. ' _ **Or better yet, die.'**_ The world seems to come crashing around me. Everything tilts sickeningly and I cover my ears with my hands, dropping to my knees. ' _Stop it stop it STOP IT LEAVE ME ALONE!'_

A cell phone rings.

Someone puts their hand on my back.

Everything feels distant, like I'm not in this plane of existence.

A voice. " _Take her to the car. I'll deal with Mr. Okumura here."_ It's a male voice. He orders something in Japanese and someone scoops me up in their arms. "Everything is going to be alright, Miss Conrad." I know that voice.

Johann Faust the Fifth aka…

Mephisto Pheles.

The overwhelming constriction in my chest causes my vision to go black.

The next thing I know is that I'm lying on a couch, lightheaded, with a serious need to puke. I hear a snap and, suddenly, I'm in a bathroom. I instantly bend over the toilet, retching and crying. A hand rubs my back. "There, there. It's going to be okay, Ryan. I forgive you. You're going to be fine." A voice I thought to be long gone murmurs in my ear. "My boys don't hate you. Yukio just wants to help, he's mad at Rin. Rin's just mad now, but give him some time to figure everything out."

After a moment, I stop heaving and I wipe away my tears frantically, searching for the origin of the voice after flushing the toilet.

For a split second, I can see him, standing in the doorway; leaning against the frame and smiling faintly at me. ' _Shiro'_.

He gives a cheeky smile and waves, disappearing. "Shiro, wait!" I call out and reach out, only to find Mephisto standing just where Shiro was.

"I'm afraid you're mistaken. My name is Mephisto Pheles, and I'm the director of True Cross Academy. I'm fully aware of your predicament, Miss Conrad. So, I'm offering you a choice. Go out on the streets where you have nothing, or go to a mental hospital."

"First of all, it's Ryan. Not Miss Conrad. Second of all, I'm going with option three: stay here and enroll as a student and as a Page. Rin made his own option, so why can't I?" I put the toilet lid down and rest my head on it. "And, quite frankly, that second option was rude. I am _not_ crazy."

"Oh, I never said you were. I was talking about the anxiety, anger issues, depression… I could go on." Mephisto brushes my reply aside. I tense.

"How the fucking hell do you know about that." It's not so much of a question as it is a demand.

"Well, it isn't every day when someone rips through the fabric of the space-time continuum. After all, it _is_ under my jurisdiction." Mephisto shrugs. "It's only a matter of time before I find out every dirty little secret you keep hidden."

"You keep the secrets the way they should be, or I. Will. Fucking. Skin. You. Alive. Do I make myself clear." I growl, turning my head to look at him.

"Crystal. Now let's see about getting you enrolled in my prestigious school." Mephisto replies lightly.

"And I'm not wearing the girls' uniform. It's tacky and far too revealing." I stop him before he asks for my measurements.

Mephisto sighs. "Fine, but you would look so cu-"

"If you say 'cute', I'm going to fucking rip your fucking tongue out of your fucking mouth." I glare at him like I'm using Conqueror's Haki. His mouth snaps shut.

He hands me a clipboard and a pen. I look at it and it's a pile of rather thin placement tests. In English, thank god. After two and a half hours, I finish and hand them back. "Seriously, the math was so easy. Couldn't you give me anything harder?" I ask, putting a hand on my hip.

"Ryan, that was university level calculus."

"Huh."

I sigh. "The English portion was equivalent to my sixth grade Language Arts class, History was okay I guess, but oh gods, Science was brutal. I only remembered half the things from my Chem class, and I never _took_ Physics! I was supposed to take AP Environmental!"

"Well, Ryan, I guess we'll have to get you a tutor~" Mephisto teases and a jolt of what can most accurately be described as 'oh hell no' shoots down my spine.

"No. Fucking. Way. There is no way in Heaven, Earth, and Hell I am getting tutor! I can manage fine on my own." I humph, crossing my arms defiantly.

"Fine then, just don't come crying to me when you fail the class. Regular classes start next week, but Cram School starts today. Here's a key to get there. Just put it-"

"-In any keyhole, yeah. Magic spatial-warping keys aren't that hard to figure out. It's not like I'm gonna stick it up a faucet. I'm not a fucking moron." I snatch the key from his hand, grumbling a 'thanks, you fucking moe-obsessed otaku' under my breath. I hoist my bag onto my back and head out the door, using my key as soon as I approached the door.

"One last thing, you'll be in the old boy's dorm to keep from drawing attention to your predicament." Mephisto calls just as I step through the door. I whirl back around to give him an 'are you fucking kidding me' look, but I'm already gone.

"Who put that dipshit in charge of anything, again? Right. He put himself in charge." I mutter to myself. "And then he fucking puts me in _that_ dorm like a fucking Mary-Sue. If I turn out to have fucking magical girl powers other than my weirdly enhanced witchcraft, I _might_ just take the Koma Sword and stab myself in the face with it. But then I couldn't do anything to save anyone else." I weigh my options, sighing in defeat. "Oh powers-that-be, please don't make me a Mary-Sue. That is the _last_ thing I need right now." I mutter a desperate plea and push open the door, ducking my head down, closing the door, and taking a seat where I know Bon is in the next seat over.

My chest tightens as the door slams open. A loud voice proclaims something and I catch the name 'Rin Okumura', the tightness crushing my lungs. I pull a sharpie out of my bag and shakily scribble an anti-anxiety sigil on my collarbone, pressing my thumb into it to make sure it's working. The weight gets lifted and I try to take an inconspicuous deep breath in, to no avail. Bon gives me a weird look and clench my jaw, looking at the other occupants of the room. Paku and Izumo sit across the room, Rin sits one row over from Bon, Takara and Shura sit in the back… damn, Shura can act. If she ever quits being an exorcist, she should be an actress. Shima and Konekomaru sit behind Bon and me, respectively.

As I look around the room, my gaze meets Rin's. One thought pops into my head.

' _Well shit.'_


	6. BREAKDOWNS AND TRIPPY-GHOSTY SHIT

**QUICK UPDATE BECAUSE I CAN.**

 **TW: GUNS AND PANIC ATTACKS. OH AND CREEPY VOICES.**

 **DISCLAIMER? _CHAPTER ONE._**

 **ON WITH THE SHOW!**

* * *

 ***BREAKDOWNS AND TRIPPY-GHOSTY SHIT AND MORE CRAP***

" _Hey! You're the chick from the-"_ Rin accuses, pointing his finger at me.

"Ryūji, how do you say 'shut up before I slap you' in Japanese?" I ask Bon. Bon gives me a strange look again.

" _Shut up before I slap you."_ He whispers to me and I repeat it to Rin venomously.

"I swear to _god_ if you say anything about that, I _will_ tell them everything. You get me?" I pointedly glare at him. "U-ru-sai." I punctuate my final word to the son of Satan just as the door opens for a final time.

I know who just walked in. Which justifies what I'm about to do perfectly.

' _OF FUCKING COURSE MY FUCKING GENIUS ESCAPE PLAN IS FUCKING TO HIDE UNDER MY GOD-FUCKING-DAMN DESK. REAL SMART OF YOU, RYAN, YOU LITTLE SHIT. WAY TO FUCKING GO.'_ I mentally scream at myself.

Yukio stares at me. "Conrad-san, please seat yourself." His English is better than last week's, good on him.

Embarrassed, I slide back up to my seat, red-faced. " _My name is Yukio Okumura and I will be your instructor in Demon Pharmaceutics. I am the same age as most of you, but I've been training as an exorcist from the age of seven. I became a full fledged exorcist two years ago. Please call me Teacher when we are in class."_ Yukio introduces himself to the class and Rin stands up.

" _Yukio! What the hell, man?!"_ Rin shouts at his brother. Yukio ignores him and goes on to talk about hobgoblins.

The whole Rin-Yukio-debacle goes on as planned. Yukio sends the class outside and I draw an invisibility sigil on my arm, disappearing instantly; clothes and all. I watch the interaction between them and the vial of rotten blood crashes to the floor. It breaks upon impact with the floor and _oh my GOD THAT IS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SMELLED AND I'VE SMELLED A_ _ **LOT**_ _OF FUCKED-UP SHIT._ I nearly gag, watching the two fight off the demons.

As soon as the first gunshot goes off, my body goes rigid and sheer goddamn terror courses through my entire fucking body. It's as if my body is responding to a suppressed memory, because I'm scared as fuck and I have no fucking idea why I am. The gun shots keep echoing around the classroom and I get more and more terrified. By the sixth shot, I'm shaking and curled into the fetal position, hands over my ears. "Make it stop make it stop MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!" I plead, but the brothers can't see me or hear me over the gunshots.

" _Or better yet, just die."_ Yukio monotones, pointing his gun at Rin's head. I _did not_ let out a terrified scream as the giantass fucking hobgoblin king showed up. Rin tells Yukio to shoot and even dares him to.

Next thing I know, a translucent hobgoblin emerges from the ground and viciously attacks several opaque ones.

" _What in the world?"_ Yukio asks and I'm too busy being terrified to notice.

"Make it stop make it stop MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!" I plead again, louder and trembling almost violently, and the translucent demon attacks the others more rabidly, tearing through them with immense strength. Moments later, silence reigns in the classroom. I scratch through the invisibility sigil in my panic, and I become visible again, scaring the living crap out of Rin.

"Conrad-san?!" Yukio exclaims, shocked. "I thought you left with class!" He hurries over to me and as soon as he puts his hand on my shoulder, I begin crying tears of pure, unadulterated fear; closing my eyes and still covering my ears. The rest of the class runs in, and they react to the smell just about as well as I did.

The Kyoto Trio rushes over and Bon sits me upright and holds me tightly in his arms. "Ryan! C'mon, say something will ya?" He shakes me a little bit and I just cry louder.

" _Suguro, will you please take Conrad into the hall?"_ Yukio asks, unsure what to do with a sobbing upperclassman-slash-student.

" _Sure thing, Teach."_ Bon replies, hoisting me to my feet. "Ryan, come on. Let's sit outside." Still a blubbering mess, I shuffle along behind the taller boy. Once we get outside, he sits me down against the wall. "Ryan, what happened in there? Can you tell me?"

"Gun… gunshots. There were gunshots." I manage to choke out through my sobs. "I don't know why… but they scared the crap out of me. I don't scare easily. For something to scare the crap out of me like that, it must have traumatized me at some point in my life and I guess I suppressed the memory." I manage to calm myself down just enough to be able to talk after a few minutes. "Please don't make me go back in there." I beg, looking up at Bon with teary eyes.

Bon nods. "I won't. But if you need anything, Shima or Koneko will come out here." He ruffles my hair a little bit. "Hang in there, Ryan."

"I'll try."

As I sit in the hall, I pull a pad of paper out of my backpack and begin sketching to calm myself down completely.

" _Hello young mistress."_ A raspy voice whispers. I look up, freaked out as fuck. No one's _fucking_ there.  " _Milord will be pleased to hear that you are finally awakening your powers."_ It's breath smells like corpses.  " _If you say anything to your precious classmates, there will be_ _ **grave**_ _consequences. Quite literally, I'm afraid. Milord will be very unpleased. Until next time, mistress."_ Silence.

I sit there, wide-eyed, as my heart pounds in my ears. My entire body is rigid, like I'm having goddamn sleep paralysis. The hallway smells like a graveyard. I still can't fucking move. It feels like there are invisible hands touching every inch of exposed skin. I _still can't fucking move._ I want to scream, but that will alert the others, and that's going to be one hell of an awkward explanation. Another minute goes by, and the hands, graveyard smell, and paralysis go as quickly as they came.

I ask myself one question out loud after a moment of stunned confusion.

"What the creeping fuck was that?!"

I stand up and stretch, sitting back down and flipping through a small orange notebook I keep in my backpack. Otherwise known as my Book of Shadows, aka my witchy text-slash-guidebook of every-fucking-thing a witch needs to know. "Why the flying fuck haven't I made a table of contents yet?!" And of course, my foresight is crap as usual. "Spirits, spirits, spirits, where's the fucking section on spirits?!"

I eventually find out that I haven't yet written that section. "Goddamn it." I groan. "Ryan, you're fucking useless sometimes, you know that?" I ask myself.

Well, no better time than the present to get shit done.


	7. DORMING AND ACTUAL ANGEL SHIEMI

**I know I haven't updated anything in forever, but how the fUCK DID MY HETALIA CROSSOVER GET MORE POPULAR THAN BROKEN WINGS?! I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT Y'ALL.**

 **Oh yeah, I have an art tumblr now. the-llamas-art (look me up)**

 **I don't own Blue Exorcist. Ryan is mine.**

* * *

 ***DORMING AND ACTUAL ANGEL SHIEMI***

After the Cram School class gets let out, Bon finds me furiously writing everything I know about spirits down in my Book. "Ryan?" He asks.

"Hm?" I reply without pausing my writing.

"Why does it smell like a graveyard out here?" His words slam into my ears. My mechanical pencil lead (no-it's-fucking-graphite-you-dipshit) breaks. An innocent question in itself, but it's one I can't bring myself to answer.

"I have no fucking clue, Ryūji. No fucking clue." I lie, biting the inside of my cheek. Bon gives me a concerned look.

"Doesn't it bother you? Because I sure as hell can't stand it." He asks. I scrunch my face up, now just noticing that the smell of graveyard had come back.

"Now that you mention it, it's fucking nasty." I make a gagging noise at the smell. "Let's go." I push myself to my feet, shoving my Book and pencil back into my bag and tossing it over my shoulder. "Gods dammit, I fucking forgot I have to do something. I'll see you tomorrow, Ryūji." I wave quickly before sprinting to Mephisto's office. "I need a supply store key and a dorm key."

"And why would you need that, Miss Conrad?" Mephisto asks smugly.

"I told you not to call me that, you fucking moe-addict. And I need it just because, do I _really_ need a reason?" I swear, growing increasingly annoyed and impatient. "Can I have the keys or not?!"

Mephisto sighs dramatically before producing them with a flourish. "I expect you to repay me, Miss Conrad." And there's his demonic grin. "You will, won't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, put it on my tab." I use the dorm key in his office's keyhole. I hear Rin and Yukio talking in a different room, so I decide to choose a room on the ground floor by the kitchen. I toss my stuff on the bed and head into the kitchen.

"Ukobach, you here?" I ask quietly and the small demon poked his head out from under the stove, staring at me. "Hi there, I'm Ryan, and I'm staying in the next room over. You mind if I sometimes use the kitchen?" The small demon makes a contemplative face before sticking out his hand. "Pleasure doing business with you." I speak as I shake it.

I hear a door open and I wave a quick 'seeya later' to Ukobach and slip back into my room. The door closes and I realize it's Yukio and Rin going to the supply shop. "Damn keys, I need to fuckin label these li'l shits." I growl as I fumble with them, trying to grab the right one. I stick one in the keyhole and turn, pushing the door open to find a super long walkway in the sky. "Hell yeah, first try. Fuckin' nailed that shit." I walk in and close the door behind me, grabbing my key on the way. I quickly scribble out a 'silence' sigil on my shoes and follow after them. I watch from in the bushes as Yukio enters the shop and Rin huffs to himself before noticing the garden. I follow after him and he touches the one of the gate doors and I touch the other.

Both of them come crashing down. "Holy shitsticks." I breathe out in annoyance and mild fear. "Nope. Nuh uh. Not dealing with transdimensional bullshit today, thank you very much. Not fuckin' happening no siree." I bend my elbows so that my hands are by my shoulders in the universal 'uh uh nope' position. "Why the flying fucksauce do I have demon blood in my vei- ohhhh that makes a lot of fucking sense. Jesus Christ, why the fuckity shit didn't I notice that before." I talk to myself, causing Rin and Shiemi to stare at me.

" _Demons! Stay back demons!"_ Shiemi yelps accusingly, scooting backwards before turning into a crawl.

"I'm a witch! There's a **clear** difference!" I snap back. Rin blinks. I snap at him. "What're YOU lookin' at, fucker?"

" _Nothing, crazy."_

"First of all, rude, second of all, rude, third of all, shut your dumb-dumb-bubblegum-bitch ass the-fuck up." I glare at Rin, giving him the finger.

" _Demons! Stay away from me!"_ She yelps. I step in front of her.

"Hey, look at me." I sit down directly in front of her. "I'm not a demon. Here, see for yourself." I stick my hand out and she hesitantly feels it. "See? I'm a human. _I'm Ryan._ " I give her a smile. "And he's Rin."

" _I'm Shiemi."_ Shiemi introduces herself quietly.

" _Hi."_ I smile softly. Rin and Shiemi have their conversation and I join in too, before glancing at her legs. The vines-roots-whatever-they-are spreading faster than they should be and **holy shit** that looks a lot more gruesome in real life. "Rin. Go get Yukio. _Now_."

Rin stares at me. " _Why?"_ He asks, puzzled. I nod slightly at Shiemi's legs. His eyes widen slightly and he nods, turning back towards the shop. " _Oi! Yukio!"_ Yukio and Shiemi's mother step outside and walk into the garden.

" _What is it, Rin? I told you not to—"_ he glances at me before doing a double take. "Conrad-san? How are you here? What are you doing?"

"Hey Yukio. The director gave me a key and told me to get used to the campus." I greet him before becoming serious. "You need to look at Shiemi's legs. There's something wrong." Yukio kneels and tells Shiemi that he's going to check up on her legs. She nods and he moves the edge of her skirt.

His eyes widen. " _Shiemi, I'm afraid you'll have to stay out of the garden for a while."_ He tells her and I flinch, thinking of the flower demon.

The whole argument between Shiemi and her mother goes down and Shiemi collapses like in canon. "Get her out of here." I order, standing. "Get her out now."

Rin scoops Shiemi up and brings her into the shed-house. Yukio and Shiemi's mother follow him. I search through the garden, inspecting each inch for the demon flower. While I'm searching, I notice that Shiemi's mom heads back into the shop. I find it thirty minutes later. "There you are, you little bastard." I snarl at the flower. "Oi! Yukio!" Less than twenty seconds later, I'm ensnared in vines and barely able to breathe.

"Not a word to the exorcist or there'll be two deaths in this garden. Understand?" The demon hisses at me. I only cough and gasp for breath. "I'll take that as a yes." It releases me a moment later and turns back into an unassuming flower. I collapse to my hands and knees, coughing and gasping for breath, rubbing my throat in a feeble attempt to relieve the pain from constriction. I cough so hard tears prick up in my eyes; that fucking flower bastard needs to _die._ Yukio runs out of the shed-house a moment later, finding me on my hands and knees.

"Conrad-san, are you alright? What happened?" He asked, rushing to my side.

"I… I'm okay, now at least." I choke out. "I found the—" I'm suddenly cut off as I feel something sharp press against my leg.

"Not a word." The demon whispers in my ear and I can feel it digging a root into the back of my thigh. I tense up, shutting my mouth quickly and eyes widening.

I look up at Yukio, subtly showing him the angry strangle-mark on my neck. "You found the demon, did you not?" He states quietly. "Where?" I roll my eyes to show him where and as soon as I do, the plant's root stabs into my leg, wrapping my body in vines. Somehow, the demon gets a vine into the shed-house and drags Shiemi out, Rin running after her. The flower possesses Shiemi and the whole thing where the twins fight the demon begins.

The vines around me tighten and I can feel them beginning to crush my ribs. I let out a yelp, blacking out a moment later.

After what seems like forever, my eyes open slowly and I can tell that someone is carrying me in a piggyback. I take a labored breath in, feeling throbbing pain in my ribs and leg, and I suppress a groan. The person carrying me stops moving. " _Oi, you awake?"_ Rin's voice reaches my ears and I groan again.

"What the hap fuckened?" I ask, and Rin slides me carefully off his back, totally confused by my question. "Crap… my head feels weird. Meant what the fuck happened. Shut up." I snap the last part, even though he hasn't said anything yet.

"The demon trapped you in its vines and almost suffocated you, if not crushed your ribs." Yukio answers seriously, walking over to Rin and me.

"Well isn't that de-fucking-lightful." I groan, coughing slightly. My ribs feel like they're on fire, but I know that they'll okay in a few days. "I'll just sleep it off. I've had worse."

Yukio looks startled at that, glances at Rin, and looks back to me with a sigh. "I would still like to look at your ribs, if that is alright." He tells me and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I said I've had worse. It's not that bad." I grumbled, reaching for my keys and stumbling towards the door to the supply shop. "See y'all later. Tell Shiemi it was nice meeting her." I wave tiredly as I shove my dorm key into the keyhole and wander through it, trudging to my room and slumping onto my bed.

Ukobach pokes his head into my room and I looks over at him, blinking tiredly. He makes a disheartened noise and exits. I sigh, wincing at the pain in my ribs and staring at the ceiling.

"Well, that was fuckin' dandy. I'm going to be fuckin prepared next time."


End file.
